‘God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.’

‘God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.’

August 14, 2009, 4:24 am
Filed under: Feelings, Life, Relationship, Secret Garden, Thought | Tags: hurt, sad, tears, zhuzhu's Secret Garden

Last night he approached me and wanted to talk to me. Since he wanted to break up, I really don’t want to talk already. I just want PEACE. Whatever said and done, sometimes it’s not just because of what I’ve done, it’s also including what he has said and done. In his eyes, it’s just all my fault. Even his mouth might say and admit his fault and also make apology to me. However, deep inside his heart has never really admitted and realized his own mistakes and problems. He didn’t know that I don’t want any more apologies because this is not the solution or way to repeat the same mistakes and how to amend it later by making apology to people. He didn’t know my hurt and how heartbroken I am every time all these unhappy moments took place. He just knew that it’s just all my fault and I’m very evil and heartless to mention break up every time which I dun want to but I have no choice to keep going on to repeat this bad cycle of life. If you were me, what are you going to do? Let people to repeat same mistake to hurt you and say sorry to you by giving you same empty promises to change and amend it later…again and again, again and again….

Of coz I know, it’s not I want to malign someone or don’t want to give any chances. It’s been almost 2 years already, we have been through so much happy moments, arguments, his uncountable promises to change, uncountable apologies upon his hurt and fault towards me. Do I never give in or give the chances for both of us? Do I never treat all his good to me and our happy moment that all in count? If you say No, then we won’t reach till this stage. I won’t forgive and forget so many times with giving the chances all these while in the past. Also, I won’t be so hurt and heartbroken for so many times. However, probably it’s really all my fault to forgive and forget too much until people already take everything for granted. He just never ever realizes what he has done to me so much to disappoint me and how heartbroken I am now. Each time deep inside my heart is shouting, crying, aching and bleeding this to him but he just never notice and listen to feel my heart. I was so helpless and emtpy but he just left me behind.

Last night he wanted to show me his back has been injured. It was very scary and “sam tong” to see him like that but I didn’t want to see even he kept asking me to take a look. I just didn’t want to see. It’s not that I didn’t care for him but I just didn’t want to see and know anymore. I have so much hurt and feel so tired. This morning who knows he called and SMS again with a lot of nasty words after he was unhappy and couldn’t get what he wish from me. Telling me that he is seeing other gals, don’t love me anymore, I’m an evil woman & etc. I just wonder whether he is an adult? Did he really know what he is doing? He likes to comment people being childish, then what actually he is doing now? If you don’t love someone anymore, just let it go. I just know don’t try and spend so much effort to hurt someone that you loved before by being nasty and so mean. It’s not a virtue. It also projects how unethical you are. However, I know that it doesn’t important to him at all. He cares for his feelings and himself more than anyone else. He just loves himself more than anything and anyone. What he wants just only to vent his anger by being nasty, sarcastic, evil to hurt that person he loved before. I am really really really disappointed for everything about him. How to be forgive and forget for someone like him that he never realizes his problems and mistakes even you still love? How many times I want to forgive and forget? How many how many times he wants?????? Is it worth it? It’s just a bad cycle of my life to continue the same like in the past.

Being nasty with mean hurtful words, venting anger by throwing stuff and solex padlock to smash the galfren’s car, banging the room door and car door by full force, everything I went through just a sorry from him and I have to learn myself to forgive and forget for whatever his done to me. Sorry seemed to be nothing to me already. This is the one who he said he loved me and had done to me. I have encountered too much fears, phobia, hurts, heartbroken and disappointment from him which were not accumulated just one or two days. It’s along the way which he just disregarded all these I’ve been through. It’s so funny that he accused me of being ignorant and disregards of his feelings. Then how about my feelings? Nobody will care, especially him.

It’s almost 2 years we have been together. There were so much happy moments in the past that I really cheerish but as I said it’s just the past. There is no turn back time. I cannot turn back time to still have a gentle, caring, respectful him in the PAST. I don’t mind he don’t love me anymore. I canot stop people to cheat me and seeing other women but for the sake of mercy, just stop hurting me by being so mean to me in the last now. I have enough already. Since he keeps saying how worse I am as a galfren, may be I’m really not good enough to give what he wants. I cannot cook for him, washing clothes for him, nag at him, whack at him, play with him, pinch him, bite him, hug him, tickle him, care for him, kissgoodbye him and love him anymore in future. Hopefully he could be happy with the one he looks for.

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